THE desire to have a baby girl confused me at times. It’s always been a deep desire. It seemed somewhat normal to most, but I knew it wasnt normal to me. Not when the desire caused me to become depressed because it continued to go unmet. I have come to realize that the desire is deep-set inside of me because I have so many voids. Never being a daughter to a mother (8 unknown months was hardly enough time) and always wanting to rescue myself from my painful past were a couple of the reasons. You see, if I could have a baby girl (and she had to look like me, like I looked like my mother) then I could pour all the love into her that I so longed for and never received as a child. Some how I thought that could heal me. I know now that it wouldn’t.

What I do now is hug that little girl that’s still in me. I nurture her, speak beautiful words to her, and I dress her really pretty! I talk to her, (yes I do y’all! lol) I play games with her, and I motivate her by pushing her to pursue her dreams! No one will be able to love her as much as I will because no one knows her as well as I do! Only God, and that is why I prayed the sinners prayer for the little girl. When God called, I answered for her! Why do I keep talking about myself as if I’m another person, because I was another person , I really was! I’m a new creation, with that old person still inside of me that I must not forget about! What I’m saying in all of this people is that you have to look to God and yourself and not people to take care of you. I’m not saying don’t seek help, because that is a part of taking care of yourself, reaching out to those whom God has placed in your path to help you on your journey. But don’t become dependent upon another human being to heal you and love you because you can’t love yourself. If you were never loved as a child, then please by all means LOVE YOURSELF! You do deserve it, and it’s never too late!

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