These are my own personal list of
boundaries that I need to have and enforce within my relationships. I was not aware of boundaries when I was younger, and mine were violated pretty early by family and friends. One needs to realize that if you don’t have any boundaries set up, people can and will walk all over, up, down, on, and through you! Boundaries explain to everyone who you are and who you are not. What you will and will not allow.
Everyone doesn’t have the same boundaries because everyone is different. I have limits that others don’t share and vice versa. My past pains have a lot to do with my boundaries. For instance, I do not allow anyone to smoke near me. I can be in someone’s car and be getting a ride from them, if they spark up without asking me if I mind, I will politely ask them if they could please put it out. They then have the
right to tell me “No, this is my car” and I then have the right to get out and
walk or catch a cab/bus. But what I have learned not to do is sit in torture
myself and not open my mouth. They in fact could be contributing to me having a deadly illness, so why would I not speak up?
When my husband and I first got together it was important for me to let him know what I would not put up with from the beginning. This didn’t look like me spewing out a list of “You better not this and you better not that”. It was more so me telling him who I was and who I wasn’t. The things that were deal breakers for me were things he
wanted to know about anyway. Because of my past, there was no way I would deal
with a cheater. So under no circumstances would he still be in a romantic
relationship with me if he ever violated that boundary. Now some women forgive
their husbands and seek marital help and press on after infidelity, and that’s
what works for them. They have different boundaries than me and I don’t look at
them any differently. Some people have argued that I don’t know what I would do
in that situation, they have said, “You just might stay, you never know” and I
say to those people, “you don’t know me”.
I have just started learning about my lack of boundaries about three years ago. It has been the most freeing thing that has happened to me. A mini form of salvation to my
soul! I use to feel like my saying “No” to people would lead them to be
disappointed in me, leaving me, rejecting me, not accepting me, and so on. For
most of my adult life I’ve been trying to prove to the world, my grandmother,
my family, and myself that I am not evil but loveable. But God had been trying
to tell me all along that I was loved by HIM from day one. See the message that
was drilled into my head from as far back as I can remember was “You are evil”.
So I believed I was and I needed to do all the things that the “nice” people
did because I didn’t want to be evil. Evil people didn’t get or deserve love,
and I wanted to be loved. So instead of doing some of the things the “nice” people did, I tried to do EVERYTHING over and beyond. I had no boundaries and my no’s were covered in a sea of lies so that the truth (that I just didn’t want to serve) would never be the cause of me not receiving love.
Now here I am, changed and free and I wish the same for everyone who struggles with setting boundaries that protect your heart. No everyone isn’t going to love them, but they are yours. They are the things that you need to do and not do to love on yourself.
Here are a few boundaries that I have created with friends.
1) I WON’T CONTINUE TO
SHOUT OUT THEIR FACEBOOK PAGES IF THEY NEVER VISIT MINE.
This may seem silly or immature. And one may say “well are you only on their page so that they can come to yours?” And the answer is no. But here’s the reason for the boundary; I have been hurt many times in the past because I allowed myself to dwell in lop-sided relationships where I was always there for a friend and they could
take or leave me, and I have been used. So, I know that makes me feel some type
of way if I’m always commenting and they don’t even respond. If I know it’s
going to hurt my feelings then I need to protect my heart. So… bam, there’s the
2) I WON’T CONTINUE IN A
FRIENDSHIP WHERE I AM ALWAYS THE ONE WHO IS REACHING OUT WITH CALLS AND INVITATIONS.
After a while the rejection and lop-sided pursuing takes a toll on my mental, so I won’t continue to but myself out there like that.
3) I WONT ALLOW FRIENDS
WHO DON’T RETURN THINGS TO BORROW THINGS.
If I don’t have it to give to them then they will just have to seek it elsewhere because it angers me when I have to ask for my things back and they don’t return them after they used them. I feel disrespected even if they are not aiming to disrespect me.
4) I WON’T SAY YES TO A
FAVOR I REALLY DON’T WANT TO DO.
Now this was a hard one because I believed that friends were SUPPOSED to be there no matter what for their friends, even if it hurt them. I don’t have a crazy way of thinking like “if I don’t feel like it, then heck no!” I really do a lot for people all the
time. I really do. But I have to do it with love and a willing heart because if
I don’t then it’s really not a service. If you ask someone to watch your
children and they really don’t like kids, then the children are not going to be
treated the way they would be with a person who would LOVE to watch them.
(that’s just an example, I love children). But my point is I don’t always say”
yes” and ignore my own desires.
5) I REFUSE TO SHARE ALL
OF MY PERSONAL FEELINGS AND EXPERIENCES WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESNT EVER SHARE BACK.
I don’t even need to go into detail here; this is just a wise thing to do!
I have many more and sometimes people find out within minutes of talking to me, or weeks after we’ve met. There are times when they find out about a boundary after they have violated one. I have been working on my anger because I realize that sometimes people just don’t know. They just don’t know sometimes. But what I won’t do is be afraid of losing anyone that doesn’t respect my boundaries or the fact that I
need them. Know who you are, if you don’t know, find out who you are and set up
your boundaries now! It’s safe and comfortable. And, you’ll love yourself for